remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
