I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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