so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
