the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
