dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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