That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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