My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
