capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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