Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So many bounce houses so little time
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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