You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
