I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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