She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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