Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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