I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Little spoons don't ask big questions
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
