I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
