well you can't waste a boner
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
