o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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