Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
