My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
All I want is dick and wine.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
