it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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