at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
