You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
