You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
