Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
