he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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