Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
