How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
