He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
