So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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