My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
