Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
