i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
