Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
