its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
