look no pants
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
