the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
