I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
