he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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