So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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