I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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