I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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