Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
