Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
