Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
