i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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