ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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