3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
