You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
