five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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