You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
