You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
