I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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